there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
You Might Also Like
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.