Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
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Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits