your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
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You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
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Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers