When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
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Saving my good tweets for marriage
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.