[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
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Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there