To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
You Might Also Like
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Yep.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.