“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
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me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Hero horse inspires millions
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
I want this so bad
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?