I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
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He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?