You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
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Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?