I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
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Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
So the ex texted me
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts