Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
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My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
That 👊
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin