My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
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Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…