On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
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I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …