Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
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Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi