This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
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(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Oh my God.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter