Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
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interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
#NoRestForTheWicked
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable