We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
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Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
this is the best day of my life
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda