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Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .