Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
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zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Stop sending me this shit.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?