Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
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Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Netflix and awkward silence?
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
how to market bottled water to dads
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good