I hope google does well on my son’s test
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Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Aaaa…CHOO!
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.