“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
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Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl