Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
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“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Sunday
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.