reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
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Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.