Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
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Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Pizza is an emotion right?
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant