me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
You Might Also Like
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?