I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
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At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.