My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
You Might Also Like
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Okay me first
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!