Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
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They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.