Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
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Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
No, I don’t think I will.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Always leave them wanting their money back.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?