sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
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[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Lol.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.