I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
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When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
kitchen magnet
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Just a friendly reminder!
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?