Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
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Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC