When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
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I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow