{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
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Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”