god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
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me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
My spirit animal is fried chicken
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.