*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
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The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where