8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
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“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.