Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
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Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit