Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
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so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?