Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
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My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.