Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
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Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.