My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
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Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Beauty and the Beast
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.