You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
You Might Also Like
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…