I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
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The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Its a hippotatomus
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.