Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
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With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink