[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
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When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
when someone rings the doorbell
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
All set.