“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
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“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
my professor scared me for a second
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
When I grow up, I want to be 16
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”