Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
You Might Also Like
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.