lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
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The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now